Monday, May 21, 2012

May 21, 2012

BEFORE YOU READ: I need to vent. My thoughts have become over whelming. I need to do something. I need to reach too people. I hope you guys can just read and STFU no comments. Unless you are trying too help me. 

 Lately, I have felt as though I am drifting away from the people I was once close too. I feel like my world has become smaller. I try to smile all the time but tears fall instead. The go lucky girl I once knew is fading. I am quieter and hiding my feelings. I am trying to go on but life has become hard. I want to be alone but that is nearly impossible. Every where I turn someone is there. My thoughts have become filled with questions and no answers. Concentrating has become hard I can't read and do math with out messing up anymore. My school work I think has began too suffer. My mind is just in lost. I am on a roller coaster I just want to get off. I want too leave it. It isn't fun anymore. I have a headache and I am sick of it. What must I do to feel like myself again? Will I remain like this forever? Am I going through a stage? No, no I can't be, but would cause me too think like this? Where has my real smile gone. Where have I gone. I need something or someone too fix this. To help me... I don't I can do this on my own. I don't think I can be happy by myself. I need to be able to confine in someone. I need someone I can open my WHOLE heart too not just pieces and bits of it. I need to be able to have someone understand me and not be questioned for my thoughts and feelings. I need to feel loved. I do know don't get me wrong. I have a whole family who loves me believe me I know I have their love and support. But I have always felt as though my thoughts and feelings have never been understood by someone. I am always hiding my true feelings and making people like me. I feel as though I am just there for most people. I feel as though I will be throne out too the trash one day. All alone with no one. I am just me. But no one understands. No one, why? Why am I always misunderstood. Why, is the world I knew just tossed to the side because people didn't like their life. Why did they have too affect mines. WHY, must I have a super ego family who doesn't give two craps about anyone else but themselves. Why do people constantly talk crap behind my back. Why are people fake and liars. Why must people question my beliefs.  I just want too be me. But it has become harder as the days pass by. I hope one day I will be able to smile and mean it. I hope I will be me again. NO better than me. Someone I will be happy someone who isn't afraid anymore. Someone who can stand up too anyone and face anything. I will one day, I just have too push forward and move on and ONE DAY in the future. In the FAR future I will smile and be loved and someone or everyone will understand me. I will, I must be patient and hope for the best future.

                                                                    Kassandra Elizabeth Marinaro

1 comment:

  1. I love you SO much. While I read this, I felt like I must have wrote it myself. I have felt this way two times in my life. Once when I was in high school, and again recently when I became depressed. I started seeing a therapist and got put on the antidepressant Wellbutrin. But I don't think you are at the point where you would need medication, I think you are just at the same spot I was at in high school. It's a hard time, being a teenager, especially when you are also going through a divorce in the family and starting high school and growing up and becoming your own person. It does get hard, and I want to say that I am here for you. The problem is, I know I'm not very good at being there for anyone recently. I haven't been on facebook often, I don't text back all the time, and I'm not there in person for you. And for all that, I am SO sorry. I wish I was there.

    But I do just want you to know, that I love you with all my heart. No matter what trials and hardships we go through in life, we must always remember that it is a test of our strength, and also a way to learn and grow. Sometimes the hardships are slow and grow larger and harder before you even realize they are there. Sometimes it hits you like a drunk driver behind the wheel of a monster truck. It will not always be easy, but when you get through something hard, it shows you just how strong you really are, and who your real friends are. It shows you everything you are capable of, and that the sky isn't even the limit anymore. I know how strong you are, because you are my sister. You are flesh and blood, and because of that, you are a part of me. I know that I'm not always strong, but if I can get through some of the things I've overcome, then honey you can get through anything. I believe in you, and I have faith that you will find your way in life and be very happy. Never give up, and remember that I am always here, even if it seems like I'm hard to find. I'm trying to make myself a better person too, and I'm sorry if I'm not good enough yet; I'm trying to be more than that. I love you so much Kasi. You and Kati both! I hope you never forget that.